For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. (2 Timothy 1:7) In the KJV, self-discipline is interpreted as a sound mind. I feel lately that I don't have a sound mind or self-discipline. And I have to keep repeating this verse. In general, I have never thought of myself as a fearful person. I think I'm pretty strong & able to handle the struggles that have come my way...and they're very small...in life. Not until Garrett was born have I experienced a whole new level of fear.
Initially I was afraid we weren't feeding him enough, that he wasn't thriving - was he merely breathing in his crib. Now I worry that he's not getting enough sleep or time on his tummy. Bigger than that, I worry about all the hoopla over immunizations & if I'll "give" my child autism, will I instill morals & a desire for the things of God...I have nightmares about things happening to him. I am petrified of returning to work & leaving Garrett in the arms of a caregiver...who is not me. I realize much of this is normal - I'm a new mom, have never done this before, post-partum hormones, etc.
I know that God is holding my chin, prodding me, trying to turn my eyes towards Him...oh, how I refuse. I'd rather cry, wrap myself in fear, freak out on Brian :-), etc etc etc. It's ridiculous...I try to count my blessings. I/we are blessed. I had a wonderful pregnancy, amazing delivery, Garrett's been a great baby...& yet in all of that, I neglect to thank God & to praise Him. I allow my fear(s) of things unproven & unrealistic to overcome the joy He's placed in my heart.
Recently I had a friend shoot me an email about a family in NC. A family who is so much more fearless than I am in the face of enormous, overwhelming adversity. The blog is titled, Confessions of a CF Husband - he's Nate, she's Tricia. His wife has cystic fibrosis & was preparing for a double lung transplant when they found out they were expecting their first child, putting the transplant on hold. The baby was delivered early...just over a pound in weight & about a foot long, little Gwyneth Rose.
I read their blog almost daily trying to remind myself...as Nate writes through their struggles...that our God is big - our fears are small. It's amazing how having a child brings you to your knees. How their small physical presence can create the most overwhelming emotions in your heart. I admire Nate & Tricia's relationship with God. Their seeking His face in the middle of this. Check out their blog (the link is at the top left here) - I think you too will be amazed at their story. I hope that it provides you with the encouragement that it gives me...To turn my fears over to the only one who can provide me with perfect peace. A Father who comforts His children & casts out fear.
Beth
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4 comments:
Thank you for sharing that Beth. It was just when I needed it. I was having some fear last night about the boys growing up, not being able to finish the half marathon I am training for, and not getting everything done. Those are pretty minor compared to what this family is facing. I am trying to memorize a verse Jer. 17:7-8. I guess if my trust is in the Lord He will be my hope and confidence. I know that is easier said than done. Thank you so much for sharing!
Oh Beth, I know this struggle all to well - only b/c I was the same way with E . It's such a hard thing, but I'm glad that you are giving yourself a little understanding and working on it at the same time. I think it's only because you care so much - because you're such a great mom - that you worry about things like this, but I do hope that in time it will be something that doesn't plague your mind so.
Thinking of you - thanks for sharing and also for that story about the family in NC that does give us some good perspective too.
Love you!
xoxo
Thank you.
Beth, your fears may be unfounded, but not uncommon. I'm proud of how you're confessing them, confronting them, and trusting God to give you a spirit of peace. It's a journey, girl, and becoming a mother really knocks you down to your raw self! Glad we can go through this parenting stuff together!
xoxo
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