a heart full of fear

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. (2 Timothy 1:7) In the KJV, self-discipline is interpreted as a sound mind. I feel lately that I don't have a sound mind or self-discipline. And I have to keep repeating this verse. In general, I have never thought of myself as a fearful person. I think I'm pretty strong & able to handle the struggles that have come my way...and they're very small...in life. Not until Garrett was born have I experienced a whole new level of fear.

Initially I was afraid we weren't feeding him enough, that he wasn't thriving - was he merely breathing in his crib. Now I worry that he's not getting enough sleep or time on his tummy. Bigger than that, I worry about all the hoopla over immunizations & if I'll "give" my child autism, will I instill morals & a desire for the things of God...I have nightmares about things happening to him. I am petrified of returning to work & leaving Garrett in the arms of a caregiver...who is not me. I realize much of this is normal - I'm a new mom, have never done this before, post-partum hormones, etc.

I know that God is holding my chin, prodding me, trying to turn my eyes towards Him...oh, how I refuse. I'd rather cry, wrap myself in fear, freak out on Brian :-), etc etc etc. It's ridiculous...I try to count my blessings. I/we are blessed. I had a wonderful pregnancy, amazing delivery, Garrett's been a great baby...& yet in all of that, I neglect to thank God & to praise Him. I allow my fear(s) of things unproven & unrealistic to overcome the joy He's placed in my heart.

Recently I had a friend shoot me an email about a family in NC. A family who is so much more fearless than I am in the face of enormous, overwhelming adversity. The blog is titled, Confessions of a CF Husband - he's Nate, she's Tricia. His wife has cystic fibrosis & was preparing for a double lung transplant when they found out they were expecting their first child, putting the transplant on hold. The baby was delivered early...just over a pound in weight & about a foot long, little Gwyneth Rose.

I read their blog almost daily trying to remind myself...as Nate writes through their struggles...that our God is big - our fears are small. It's amazing how having a child brings you to your knees. How their small physical presence can create the most overwhelming emotions in your heart. I admire Nate & Tricia's relationship with God. Their seeking His face in the middle of this. Check out their blog (the link is at the top left here) - I think you too will be amazed at their story. I hope that it provides you with the encouragement that it gives me...To turn my fears over to the only one who can provide me with perfect peace. A Father who comforts His children & casts out fear.

Beth

BFF's...Garrett & Chase

Our friends, Greg & Kelly Gardner, gave birth to their first son/second child, Chase, four days before Garrett was born! We laugh that our boys are now best friends forever (BFFs) because they're so close in age.

Clearly one outweighs the other...I won't say who...But it's probably a good thing because we're a little worried Garrett might get made fun of for his short pants & perhaps Chase will be there to protect him! (Photo below) We have a little problem with G's pants...they end up more like knickers, because so far, this guys is shaped like his daddy...long & lean...so his pants don't fit him in the waist but yet they're too short!

So last night we headed over to Casa de Gardner for some din & to let the boys "play" & see Chase's big sis, Riley! Chase & Garrett are both awesome little men, they both have mommas who are completely in love with them & they're both happy & healthy...who could ask for anything more? What little blessings they are to our families!

Hippie Hippie Baby

We know, we know...If you have kids, they're cute. But seriously, our Garrett is "the cutest"...In fact, he's uber cute! We realize they don't actually hand out titles for this position, but seriously, people...come on, you know it's true. LOOK at this baby!!!

I think we stare at him about 14 hours a day. We think everything he does is cute or funny. We take a million pics a day. Etc, etc, etc. Brian had today off, so we had some serious play time, it was awesome! Garrett & I both are spoiled when we have Brian here with us for a 3-day weekend! Love having all the White Boys in the house!

Thanks to my cousin, Katie, for this super hip tie dyed onesie she made the Gare Bear (as Katie has dubbed him) for Christmas! Katie, girl, I hope you're loving Liberty...can't wait to hear all about it!

Our little love bug

This week my mom has been in town..."supposedly" she came to spend time with us. We realize there is no longer an "us", it's a "Garrett"! :-) The great thing? Garrett started smiling the moment Grandmom walked through the door - literally...she took him & he started smiling so sweetly at her.

So much of Garrett's personality is coming out...he seems to be responding to us in new ways...tons of smiles to Mommy on Thursday morning while she was singing to him...smiling at Grandmom nearly every time she'd talk to him while holding him in her arms, of course!...making happy noises for Daddy while he gets ready for work in the mornings...

We love snuggling with our little love bug...he makes our day!

Watch Garrett Grow!

One of my girlfriend's told me before I had Garrett that while I was on maternity leave the day's would be long, but the weeks would go fast...I don't know, it all feels like it's going pretty quickly.

Garrett has (to Brian & me) changed so much already in this first month! His birth weight was 7 pounds, 4 ounces...at my appointment last week he was up to 8 pounds, 11 ounces at around 3.5 weeks old! His cheeks are getting chubbier (which I adore!) and he's starting to become more verbal during his awake time. We don't know if he's smiling at us (or just has some serious gas) but during his awake time he follows our faces, responds to our voices and appears as though he's smiling at us - we don't care if he really is smiling AT US or not...we love seeing it! :-) He loves to swing & tracks with the mobile above his head. When we burp him he loves to hold his head straight up and look around...we call it his frogger look!

While everyone tells you that having a baby changes your life, nothing anyone can say prepares you for these feelings. It's amazing & we highly recommend parenthood (if/when you're ready to take the leap)...Our life post-baby truly will never be what our life pre-baby was...And I wouldn't trade in our pre-baby life for anything...But this is pretty amazing, people!

So, here are some highlights of our monkey's first month! The month to come is already full of exciting plans, including visits from all of the grandparents!

From top to bottom: White Family's First Christmas at home; Garrett hanging out in his swing on a Sunday morning; What you talkin' about, Willis? (a look he gave me after he finished nursing); in the hospital with our friends Laurie, Susan & Kelly Jo